On the days when you miss the idea of them you had inside your head. Remember that they only ever saw you as a place to dump their bullshit.

All the times you reached out for connection and got “💜” or a “👍🏽” …… in response to your needs. Remember the disrespect. Remember that when you needed them…… they were nowhere. Oh wait wait wait…… they were somewhere. They were self involved, self important…. Self self self. Gross.

When you miss what you thought was (in your head) …. Just remember all the times you gave of yourself in hopes that they’d give some back. Even just a little bit. You shrugged it off or fought yourself on saying something back… because you didn’t want to risk losing what little connection, what little bread crumbs they gave.

How sad.

How sad for……

ME.

How sad that I thought SO little of myself that I allowed……. I allowed……. I ALLOWED THIS DISRESPECT- over and over and over again. And for what??? FOR WHAT??? FOR FUCKING WHAT? nothing. nothing. The lowest lower case nothing.

It took some time- far too much time, in fact, to realize that I deserved far better connection that what they gave. I would sometimes speak my mind but only to be discarded immediately and lured back in with the bait of connection.

However so small….. SO small, Just. Like. YOU. Small, small minded, small in culture, small in depth, just….. small.

Oh why did I bother allowing you back into my life….. I guess I hadn’t learned my lesson yet. The lesson that I needed to learn- the lesson that I. deserved. Better.

I deserve better.

I deserve reciprocity. (How hard is it anyway? Even for us autistics)

I deserve to be seen. To be celebrated, to be encouraged, to be lifted up.

Every single time I had anything to celebrate, you down played it. You didn’t respond or glazed over it and I shrugged it off telling myself “they don’t mean it…. They’re just…..”

Just what?

Just rude. Just mean. Just cruel. Just pushing me down- where I – belong?

Belong- that’s all I wanted. To belong to something. Belonging to this, I wasn’t.

Belonging to the night, indeed.

Then in one final scene, I listened to your stupid story one last time and I said fair well with the same. Reciprocity. You. Gave. ME. How kind.

How kind of me to let you off the hook so easily. When I could have cut you from head to toe with sharp words. But I didn’t. I gave back that which belonged to you. All the shame, all the times I should have been celebrated, all the intentionally left out moments, all the snide texts I ignored, all the clamoring for self worth. I gave it all back to you. You deserve it after all. To get back that which you gave and I hope that you continue to receive it ten fold.

As for me- I am finally free of a vampire. A thief of joy. A stagnant, smelly corpse.