37 and still fat

At 37 I really excepted that I would have a lot more figured out.

I thought I would for sure be over childhood traumas like my father being murdered or never knowing my dads side of the family.

I thought I would for sure love myself more by now.

That being fat wasn’t the worst thing someone could be.

That being called “fat pig” in childhood wouldn’t still bring up anger and resentment. Or being teased in school about my size.

I hoped that maybe even family and friends would recognize that being fat isn’t the worst thing they or I could be. Maybe being a mean, cruel person would rank higher in the “awful” category than fat. “Oh but I think you are beautiful” doesn’t help. “You’re not like that, you actually workout and eat healthy”.

If you’re curious if someone is fatphobic or not, show them a picture of themselves at a higher weight and see their reaction. It’s not the memory they hate, it’s that they were fatter at the time. I, too, am guilty of this. This is how society has trained us to be. Women are nothing unless they’re thin.

I have always been fat. I’ve been a smaller fat and lager fat. I’ve never been thin. I don’t know what it’s like to walk around not caring about my size or what it’s like to not think that everyone is thinking you’re just a disgusting….. fat pig.

Eating in public certainly isn’t fun…. unless you’re eating a salad, of course. God forbid I have a cheeseburger in public…. we all know what people are thinking when the fatty isn’t being a “good fatty” and instead opts for the cheeseburger and fries.

Being a good fatty means you’re trying to shrink yourself and you’re eating in a “healthy” way to lose weight- make yourself smaller.

*eats cheeseburger in public*

spurs judgement from the skinnies “well, that’s why she’s fat, she eats like that”. You know you’ve thought it. I have, too. Because being fat IS the worst thing you can be, after all.

Going to a regular store for clothes is a lot of fun, too. “Do you have a plus size section?”

Sales person: “yeah it’s in the back next to maternity”….. you know, since being fat is exactly like being pregnant.

Why don’t designers just make clothes in all sizes? Why do plus size people have to be subjected to a tiny section of potato sacks next to the maternity section?? Because being fat IS the worst thing you can be, after all. Don’t forget 🙄.

Going to the doctor while fat is exceptionally fun. Everything that is wrong with us has to do with our weight.

My arm is broken- well it’s because you need to lose weight.

I have anxiety- maybe you should workout (I have had this one- this was after losing 70 fucking pounds).

I’m depressed- maybe you should lose weight…..

I’m suicidal-maybe you should go on a diet.

❌Kills herself- it was because she was fat…… because being fat IS the worst thing you can be, after all.

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