TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ this post deals with mental health issues: anxiety, depression, eating disorder, body dysmorphia, self harm, suicidal thoughts and hospitalization.
It’s been a while. I’ve been thinking about this entry for quite some time. Since I wrote my last one, honestly. It’s just really overwhelming and a lot has happened since this happened but I’m going to try and remember and put into words what I remember.
My first therapy session there was done by a female psychologist. I wish I could remember her name but I can’t. Ugh! She was very kind and gentle but very very good at her job. She had me do visualizations of myself as a child and of myself as an adult. She had me do visualizations of my dad…. there was a lot of crying involved. I won’t go into detail on this session, it is very personal but it was incredible. I felt as if she had crammed 2 years of therapy into one session. She was very good at her job.
After the therapy session it was snack time but I was exhausted. Anyone who has been to therapy knows how emotionally exhausting it can be. I was also 27 weeks pregnant so it was a lot.
That evening I got to see my husband and Khloe. I was happy to see them but I also felt shame, deep sadness and guilt. Maybe this was a mistake, me being here. Having him bring her here….I also wasn’t feeling well. We sat and talked a little bit while Khloe colored and I just hugged her. It had only been a day but it felt like a year. I could tell this was deeply troubling to my husband and that made me so sad.
I stayed up a little while after that and colored in the commons area. One of the girls who was there with me walked over to me and handed me a paper crane with 2 baby cranes. She said that was me and Khloe and my then unborn baby. It was the sweetest thing and I will keep them forever. Her name was Sam and her birthday is May 9th. I’ll never forget. She had a really really hard time being there but she did that for me and it touched my heart forever. she opened up in one of the groups that she had lost a baby…. and for me being pregnant in front of her must have been really hard to see.
That night I asked for sleeping pills but they weren’t allowed 😓…. so, another crappy night of sleep ensued with hourly checks from the night tech and my hard twin bed…. painfully reminding me that I was not at home.
The next day was more of the same (see previous post). I got to talking to some of the other people who were in with me. Some people go discharged while I was there and it was always a sad bittersweet moment. You make friends in there. You open up to people that understand you and when you’re released it is scary and uncertain.
That days therapy session was with a different therapist. I was told he was the best of the best and his name was Urick. He did not disappoint. Again, I felt like I had gotten 2 years of therapy in one session. More visualizations and super intense therapy. I’ll never forget.
That evening a new girl was being checked in. She had huge slashes on her wrists. She had tried to kill herself. I had never seen marks like that in person so it was a bit startling to me but I was drawn to her. I welcomed her to sit with us and color. She talked about her baby and there I knew I could relate to her and we chatted for a bit. She had a kid, I had a kid and was pregnant. We got to talking about her depression and postpartum depression and I told her she wasn’t alone. That a lot of moms have this and that it does get better. She was really nice and seemed interested in getting the help she needed. I hope she’s doing well now.
Once day three hit I wanted to go home. It wasn’t advised that I leave and was able to leave before dinner that day. They really prefer you stay the whole 5 days but I needed to get home. Maybe I should have stayed but I feel like my time there was not wasted. It changed my life. I still have awful days and moments where I have intrusive thoughts but they aren’t as bad and I remember what it was like in hospital and the things I learned. The coping skills the tech taught us in group. The stories from the other patients. It all sits in my heart. As weird as it may sound, those 3 days, although very hard, were also very amazing.
There is a lot more I could say but I’m going to leave it at this. If you have questions, I’d be more than happy to answer them.
• IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW IS IN CRISIS, THERE US NO SHAME IS ASKING FOR HELP. The Colorado Crisis like is: 1-844-493-8255 or text , “TALK” to 38255. This is a 24/7 line and open to anyone. Colorado Crisis Services.
• Suicide Prevention line: 1-800-273-8255 and they’re also 24/7. Suicide prevention website .