Me

Grief ….

Grief…. it’s a funny little thing that grief is. It shows its ugly, sad face and manifests in weird ways that are not quite understood unless you have your PhD in psychology; which I do not.

What I do know is that grief sometimes comes through as anger and vice versa. Grief is not only an emotion that happens when someone dies but can also be experienced as the loss of a person still living and breathing. Maybe you had to cut that person out of your life in order to move past something. Maybe that person was toxic. Maybe that persons partner was toxic so you had to just cut it out. Maybe the person walked away from YOU; with no explanation, no reasons, no nothing. They just left. Bye.

In my case, grief is manifesting as anger.

In recent YEARS (yes years) I’ve basically been walking around as this deeply angered person. I almost couldn’t handle it at times. It drives me crazy. To the point I just want to put myself out with a tranquilizer and not feel anything anymore… enter, klonipin. A tiny little pill that helps with anxiety. Because what is anger without a dose of debilitating anxiety to go with it. It’s like they’re sisters. One hideously compliments the other. I’m grateful for this tiny little pill. She keeps me from thinking sometimes and helps me to relax enough to maybe, MAYBE fall asleep, MAYBE enjoy my children and MAYBE not get pissed off at the drop of a hat.

Anyway, grief… I only recently discovered my anger was grief. Grief of a person still living. Yep. Still living and it is the worst kind of grief.

I can say with all certainty and experience that grieving a person that is still alive IS the saddest most angering thing I have gone through. I’ve lost my father to murder and this takes the cake by a long shot.

As with most loss there are unanswered questions. When someone is dead you don’t expect them to come back from the dead and give you answers. That’s a solid no. Even though it would be nice, you know it’s not possible. With a living person loss there are questions the living person refuses to answer or just plain ignores. As if to say, “you don’t matter”. Lots of questions, no answers. None. Just deafening silence. Disgusting deafening silence. The silence painful enough to erupt an entire volcano. Throwing its flames of anger and grief wherever it chooses to. Nothing is safe in its path and before you know it, you are consumed by it; can’t breath. You don’t know which way is up and you are drowning….. drowning in anger, sadness and grief. I hate you…. this isn’t how things were suppose to be and this is not what was suppose to happen and I get to grieve and you can’t tell me how I do it. I am who I am because of you- unfortunate.

….. walk away. Just walk away. But how? No one told me I was going to have to walk away from you. But wait, it wasn’t I that walked away, it was you. You thought there had to be a choice but truth be told you never had to choose….. but you did and you didn’t choose me (us). I cannot. How? I hope it is worth it but I stand here and know it is not. It’s so very obviously not worth it but I will grieve…. I may never heal and I may grieve forever.

Mother.

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