TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ this post deals with mental health issues: anxiety, depression, eating disorder, body dysmorphia, self harm, suicidal thoughts and hospitalization.
On Friday, May 4th, I started out my day feeling pretty ok. Nothing out of the ordinary, really. Soon after waking I began to feel pretty bad. Feelings of self hate. Hate towards my body, hate towards my life choices and feelings of wishing I was not alive any more. Now, I’ve dealt with depression most of my life off and on. I have had longer periods of well being in between but mostly I know about that life. Turns out, wishing you weren’t alive… yeah those are suicidal tendencies, come to find out. I thought I was different since I didn’t have a plan on how to kill myself etc. Nope, it’s all a slippery slope.
As Khloe played in the backyard I sat at the kitchen table completely overwhelmed by my thoughts. My thoughts can be a vicious cycle of going back and forth about things. Did I do this right? Was this the right choice? Am I a good mom? She’d be better off without me here. They’d all be better off without me here. Did I say that correctly? Are they doing to misunderstand what I meant or who I really am? Why didn’t I get chosen for this or that. What is wrong with me? Why am I so fat?
In that moment I couldn’t take it anymore. I knew I needed to get myself out of this moment and so I googled a mental health care facility that a person close to me had recently been to. I messaged my husband and told him I felt I needed to go check myself in. I was literally out of my mind.
Once I called this place the intake specialist advised me that because of the insurance I had, that I had to start with the Colorado Crisis line. WHAT??? I’m asking you for help in the middle of a breakdown with suicidal tendencies and you’re telling me, after workin up the courage to reach out, that I now have to call someone else. This was too much work. It’s not worth it. I don’t really need this help…. there are people more sick than I making it through. STOP! I persisted and I then googled the Colorado Crisis line. They had the option to text for help and that was right up my ally since I now was no longer committed to doing anything but I figured I could get my toe wet by texting someone for help. Once the chat started I began describing the things I was going through and thinking. Look, I’m not stupid. I know what leading questions look like when a therapist is digging for answers. I was mildly annoyed and frustrated but I’ll be honest, she was doing her job and it helped me get to the next point.
I paced my house for about an hour, managed to make Khloe a sandwich for lunch and sit on my bed. By then my husband had come home. As I sat there I decided to just go. I was going to drive myself to the crisis center and ask for help. I left my house without telling my husband. As I drove there it felt surreal. Nothing was moving quickly but at the same time I arrived very quickly. Dear God please let this go smoothly, I can’t afford for this to be any harder than it already is. I was ready to leave already.
I walked in the door and the waiting room looked like a regular waiting room to a doctors office. It was quiet and there were 2 people sitting there. I approached the window and told the lady I needed to talk to someone. Without skipping a beat she asked me for my license and insurance and then handed me a STACK of papers I had to fill out. Ugh. Why is it so hard to get help? Can’t someone just help me without all this extra bull shit? I know, I know… liabilities and such. They need a paper trail but in my state of mind I was happy just to have made it there and now I had to pull it together enough to fill out this STACK of papers. I sat there staring at the papers for what seemed to be an eternity. I was toying with the idea of just walking out and not dealing with this. I’m ok, I am not THAT sick…. others have it way worse. Again, invalidating myself and what I was going through. I’m not a looney.
I started in on the paperwork. Numerous times in this paperwork process I wanted to still leave but I kept filling it out. Finally I finished and handed it back to the lady just to be told that the wait was really long. HOW LONG? OH MY GOD why is this such a process? No wonder people slip through the cracks. She advised me at least an hour wait. I sat back down debating on leaving once again. Invalidating myself, once again. Searching for any reason not to stay but I stayed.
While in the waiting room a young 14 year old boy was waiting to be placed in a stabilization unit for self harm and suicide attempt. I felt sadness. I knew how he felt. I wanted to hug him but I just listened as his grandfather made him feel like shit for doing what he did. This grandfather went on and on not even taking a breath in telling this kid he was wrong and that “Jesus” is here for him. Look, I’m all for Jesus and whatever helps you get through but making a kid feel bad and then throwing Jesus into that is NOT going to make him want to reach out to Jesus. It will do the opposite. I almost couldn’t take sitting there any longer. What an awful person and I just felt so sad for the boy, praying that he would find the strength within to look past his grandpas words. Ugh. Barf!
FINALLY, after about an hour I was escorted to the back to talk with an intake therapist. They ask the typical questions you’d ask someone with self harm thoughts, depression and anxiety. I answered every single question honestly. I left nothing hidden. I had nothing to hide at this point. I was desperate. I cried…. A LOT. I didn’t care. Once we were done talking she advised me that she wasn’t going to put me in a mandatory 72 hold but that the services were still available if I’d like them. I was on the edge of it being mandatory. She said she’d have to check what they had for pregnant women and if there was room for me. I looked at her and said, ” I know there are people out there with bigger issues than I that could use this bed but I am at a point where I am going to say yes, please help me, please let me stay here!” She didn’t judge me. She was encouraging and was supportive.
She began the process of getting me a bed. We were hoping I didn’t have to go to another facility but I told her I was willing to take myself wherever.
I waited in the waiting room for about another hour and a half. The same young boy was also waiting but this time it was a supportive aunt that was with him and I was relieved for him. It made me feel better knowing he at least had some proper support.
As I waited I told my husband where I was. I got a friend to cover my shifts at work and texted just a few friends to tell them what I was doing. I knew they’d take my phone once admitted so I wanted to cover all bases as I didn’t know what was in store. All I knew was I was finally reaching out for help and I had a sense of relief about me.
After another long wait a nurse came out and got me. I had been accepted to be admitted to the on site facility for 3-5 days. Signing myself in and giving consent to treat. I was finally…. finally getting help.
** I’m going to make this series a few entires. There is so much to cover and I don’t want to miss anything by whipping through my thoughts. I’ll continue more later**
• IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW IS IN CRISIS, THERE US NO SHAME IS ASKING FOR HELP. The Colorado Crisis like is: 1-844-493-8255 or text , “TALK” to 38255. This is a 24/7 line and open to anyone. Colorado Crisis Services.
• Suicide Prevention line: 1-800-273-8255 and they’re also 24/7. Suicide prevention website .
Very honest…I felt like I was there with you, I’m sorry you are going through this, my heart is racing. I’m so proud of your honesty and lack of bullshit.
LikeLike
Thank you! I’m proud of myself!! No shame!
LikeLike