This past year has been extremely hard for me in regards to my weight loss efforts and journey. At the beginning of the year I started out at my lowest weight, recorded. I have fluctuated 2-5 pounds ever since and it’s super annoying. What was I doing wrong? I was working out, eating keto, watching those damn carbs and very rarely having an indulgence.
If there’s one thing you should know it’s that I tend to get a little obsessive about my weight. To an admittedly unhealthy point. I began to notice random signs of my health not doing so great. My hair was breaking off and falling out and I was already well past the point of the dreaded postpartum hair loss. I was super cranky and more short tempered than usual. But I was doing all the right things…. or was I?
In August I talked to my doctor about my continued struggle. I told her what I was doing and that nothing was working. We tested my thyroid hormone again to make sure it was stable. It came back with good numbers. What was wrong? She sent me to an Endocrinologist to see if I could get answers. She ran all my vital blood work. Again it came back with amazing numbers. Most people would assume that because I am heavy that I am physically unhealthy. Not ever close. My numbers were impressive, honestly and I kind of shocked the Endocrinologist. I wasn’t shocked. I knew they’d come back great. I knew I was doing everything right….. She said that people with Hashimoto’s Thyroidistis just have a harder time losing weight than those people who have regular hypothyroid or have no health issues at all. Awesome. I knew that. That’s why I’m here. She was great and listened to my ever word. We are working through some options right now but in the meantime I saw a dietician.
I decided to go ahead and try a dietician even though I’m pretty well educated on my food choices. I know how to make proper choices and servings size and I know what foods work for my body. Meh. I’ll give it a try because I’ve got nothing left at this point.
My very first appointment I explained that I was doing keto and what that meant. She knew what it was. I went over a days worth of food with her and she sat back and stared at me. “You’re starving.” (Starving because of my caloric intake not because of keto) Ha ha ha…. do I look like I’m starving? No. I was kind of defensive. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. I’m not starving. Look at me. I’m still over 200 pounds for crying out loud. However, when she began to explain, I knew what she was saying was true. I was honestly afraid to eat. The fear of weight gain controlled my every waking minute. I would refuse to eat food at times just to prevent weight gain. I’d over exercise to the point of exhaustion. My fear of carbs and food in general was an all consuming ball of self hate. I can’t go on like this…. but my fear of gaining weight was all too real. After calculating my caloric intake we discovered that I was eating less than 900 calories on most days. She advised me to increase to 1,700 for my weight, height and activity level. 🤢 that number made me sick. I was terrified. I can’t possibly eat that much and NOT gain weight. I expressed my fears. She said that yes I’d probably gain some weight back because I’ve damaged my metabolism by being SO restrictive for so long. She said I HAD to add some more carbs back in. Not a lot but more. Again, I was terrified. I knew I’d immediately gain 5 pounds from just the carb upping alone. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t do this. It’s too much to think about back tracking my weight loss journey. After all, I’d gone a whole year without losing even an ounce more than what I weighed the year before. 😓 The dietician went on to explain something I already knew to be true because I read a lot and I’m pretty knowledgeable on my body- she said because I had been starving and restricting so long, that my body was REFUSING to lose any more weight. Well, damn it. Any other human would have been 130 pounds by now…. but not me, my body just hangs on to shit. I can’t even succeed at starvation. 💔⬅️ these are actual thoughts that have run through my head.
The dietician gave me my goals for the week. They included eating more. More veggies, more low glycemic fruits, more carbs. More. 😔 Everything that I had been working towards was suddenly at a complete stand still. I now had to try and repair my metabolism. I had to be OKAY with weight gain and most of all, I had to try and love my body. 😞 Even writing this now makes me cry.
I am not recovered. I have an eating disorder of some sort that I fight EVERY SINGLE DAY. I have good days where I quite literally don’t give a fuck! But there are days where I am so scared to put anything in my mouth that I don’t. My husband has been forced to watch me do this to myself. No one would know by looking at me that I have this issue. “She’s fat, she probably over eats!” The truth is you don’t know what someone is dealing with just by looking at them. Yeah, you might see an over weight person but you don’t know what their struggles are.
Even today, as I write this, I am scared to death of eating. How much will the scale say I’ve gained now? You can tell me not to weigh myself or to fuck the scale but I can’t. I am not at that point yet. Maybe someday? I hope. 🌈
So, yes, I have gained some weight back. 😞 it’s about 5-6 pounds so far. I’m learning to eat more food again. My biggest goal is self love. I don’t even know where to start. I get trapped in my mind and stuck on the number on the scale. I can actually sit there and convince myself that I’m visibly fatter. I can’t even look at my side profile right now. I’m so upset at the weight gain. I’m currently in this in between state and it’s not comfortable and I hate it.
I can tell you that my fight is NOT over. I’m going to continue the healthy habits that I know, learn new ones and hopefully overcome this awful beast. I need to learn to be ok with me, NOW. I need to love me now, as I am. I need to love me even if I never lose another pound. I don’t even know where to start. Self love has NEVER been a strong point for me. So, where do I start? I know I have a little girl that is going to follow in my foot steps so I need to show HER so that she doesn’t have to deal with this demon. I need to show her that loving yourself no matter what is important and that weight or size doesn’t not measure your worth.
I will continue to post about my journey. Follow me on Instagram @fiercelivingmomma.